Wow. It's been 8 months and 3 days since I've written here. I figured I'd take a crack at it again. I haven't been doing much else.
Considering the last few entries that I wrote were for my reasons for drinking, I thing I should start by saying I've been sober for 238 days as of 8/26/03! So, on Monday, I'll have 8 months sober.
I need to add that these last 8 months have been excruciating as far as boredom goes! The only time I leave the house is usually just for work. Up until a few weeks ago, I was only working Friday - Sunday. So Monday - Thursday, I'd spend in my room, sleeping until 6pm or 8pm. I'd occasionally go to the supermarket at night with my mother so I could stock up on Mt. Dew & iced tea. But other than that, I wouldn't leave the house those 4 days. In brief joking with my boss, I told him how I never leave my room and how I have the windows blocked off (to keep the heat of the sun out). Soon after that conversation, I started working Tuesday & Wednesday nights as well. So, I'm now getting out of the house(working) 5 days(nights) a week. But that's as far as I go. My work is pretty much up the block and the grocery store is across the street from there. My world is within this 1/2 mile. I go months at a time not going any further than there.
As far as friends go... nope. I have one friend who I've been avoiding for the last 2 months. This is the girl who I've known since 2nd grade, but then moved away and came back almost a year ago. I'm supposed to be her maid of honor for her wedding next year but I can't stand being around her. Both her and her fiance are such pot heads and I can't be around that any more. I don't know if I should totally back out of the wedding or just go along with it. But that would be unfair to her what ever I decide. To back out would leave her without someone to be there for her. But, to go along with this.. I haven't the strength to pretend to be happy for her anymore. So, this sucks either way. I hate the fact that the only non family member friend I have now, I can't stand. I haven't seen her in 2 months and I rarely talk to her online anymore. We used to talk everyday, but now I always have my away message up. Thankfully after being up here since November, she finally got a job!! At least that's keeping her busy and away from me.
My sister has been going the sober route too. We both said we were going to stop at the beginning of this year. I was the only one to stick with it this whole time. She kept drinking then stopping for a few days then going back to drinking. I think she has maybe 1 or 2 months sober now. She also broke up with her boyfriend.. again. And this last time that they were together I remember the talk of CHILDREN!! Then, the next thing I know, they've broken up. I don't know what's going to happen there. Her and I have kind of fallen out of touch too. I only see her at work and usually there's not much time to talk there.
My brother is still clean as far as I know. His girlfriend has basically been living here. They got a kitten 2 months ago. So, obviously they're gonna stay here with the cat. There was talk of them moving out at the end of the summer, but that doesn't look like it's happening any time soon. He got a job earlier this year. But where that money went, I don't know. I heard from my mom he bought her a ring. I don't know, they annoy me.
My mom is still a shut in. I can see where I'm heading. She's actually planning for a garage sale. We haven't had one in years!! But, considering we're all a bunch of pack rats.. we have more shit than we know what to do with. Plus, we definitely need the money.. not that she's going to make a whole lot with the crap we have.
Speaking of money, I've been trying to save up as much as I can. I have my student loans to pay each month, my optimum online bill (I got that for myself as a happy sober present) and my cigarettes. Those are my monthly costs. And random grocery runs. Everything else I put away. I did go shopping with my mom last week. I had to get more CD-Rs, jeans and I bought myself a second set of bed sheets. I rarely buy things just case anymore. That's what my sis is for. I went to work one night and she had this big bag of stuff for me. A bunch of funky tee shirts and some crazy toys. There was even a "Channel Surf Hello Kitty with TV & VCR" because I'm a TV/movie junkie. Another time, I woke up to find a bag of funky tops and socks on my bed from my sister. There were monkey socks with little monkey face pom poms on the ankles. Tonight when I went to work, she told me that she went shopping again and got some things for me but forgot to bring them in. So, I'll have to wait until tomorrow night/ tonight to see. What I was trying to get at was that I can save up money more easily now that I'm not blowing all my money on alcohol. Hell I even bought myself an air conditioner this summer! This room gets so unbelievably hot in the summer! It was absolutely a necessity!! That might also be another reason why I don't like leaving my room. AC! Why go outside and be sticky from the heat when I can relax in my room in the coolness? Not that I have anywhere to go.
I have to admit, I am lonely. Work is the only place I have to go. Hell, it's my only good reason for getting out of bed. If I'm not at work or sleeping, I'm in this God forsaken chair. Ok, it's the coolest chair I've ever had, but it's my death trap, my life sucker. The guys at work asked me if I had a boyfriend. I told them, "yes, my computer." I've kept up with this story for months now. Now, the one guy asks me, "you boyfriend give you any more music or movies?" Because I've told them that my "boyfriend" and I were going to watch movies (I was going to watch movies on my computer). Or "my boyfriend gave me 6 cds last night" = I burned 6 cds on my computer last night. I remember telling them when I got optimum online that my boyfriend got upgraded. It was sad. Yes, I spend every hour that I'm not at work or sleeping with my "boyfriend" but it's just not the same. I actually miss people. I miss having friends, people to talk with, having places to go and things to do. Work is work and it stays there. I barely talk to my coworkers when I'm there. I certainly don't talk to them or see them outside of work. But, I've shut down. I have nothing to say to them anymore. It's like I forgot how to interact with people. I see them all hang around and talk and if I'm in that area, I slowly slink out of the picture and find something to do. It makes me sad being there around them. I hear them talking about hanging out and what happened when they went out the night before or whenever and I get sad and jealous and petty all because they have lives and I don't. I have my job, my computer and my tv. That's it. But I made that so. I have only myself to blame. I don't know how my mom can do this. How does she get by day to day alone? I at least have work to drag me out of the house and force me to half ass interact with people. She doesn't. But then she's shown me the horrible mistakes loneliness can cause you to make. She had that asshole living with us years ago because she was so lonely she settled for him.
I've just been really sad lately. The worst time is right before I fall asleep. When I'm left alone in the darkness with nothing but my thoughts. That's the time I dread the most. That's why I always have the tv on.. so I don't have to hear my head. That's also why I haven't written since last year. I don't like where my head is at. I thought that things were supposed to get better when you take away the alcohol. They haven't. But then again, they haven't really gotten any worse. I just can't take my head. But when I'm just laying there in bed with my eyes closed and my thoughts just keep going and I can't turn my brain off and all I want to do is sleep but I can't, that's when the tears come. I hate crying myself to sleep. I hate crying. I hate being weak! I hate being me!!
I'm just having an off month. There are most days were I say, "fuck it! I don't need anyone." But then there are the days when the loneliness and sadness catch up to me and hit me like bricks and I feel so helpless and hopeless and so worthless. I feel like a burden on all of the people I've known in my life and then convince myself that they're better off without me. And that turns back into the whole fuck everyone bit. It's this whole cycle of denial, apathy, sadness & anger. God, how pathetic am I??
Ok, I just depressed myself out of writing anymore. That, plus it's after 5am. I hope by getting some of this out now, it won't be bothering me when I'm trying to fall asleep. Or, I could just be starting it now and it will continue once I close my eyes. Crap. Fuck it. G'night.
5:16 a.m. - August 27, 2003
Recent entries:
There's No Place Like Home & Birthday Panic - September 25, 2003
I See Dumb People - August 28, 2003
8 Months Later - August 27, 2003
Christmas Eve - December 24, 2002
The next 140 Reasons Why I Drink!! - December 24, 2002
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