Well, I got my happy sober time presents from my sister at work tonight. There were these 3 weird Grimm Dudes. They are figures that stick on little skate boards. One is called 3Pig and it's a mutant 3 little pigs figure. There's the "Toof Fairy" and "Prince Harming." They're odd. Next there were 3 Hello Kitty watches. One pink, one blue. Then 2 pairs of socks, a pink pair that say, "Boys are Stupid, Throw Rocks at Them" and a blue pair with the Happy Bunny that say, "I Hate You So Bad!" Finally, there was a pair of boxer shorts with the coyote that say, "I See Dumb People." It was a fun bag.
It was odd. When I got home from work, I was actually IMed by this kid I haven't spoken to in a month. This was the first time since I last spoke to him that I've had an actual conversation. Then, while speaking to him, the girl I've been avoiding IMed me. So I was talking to TWO people!! But she told me she just got home from the bar. I said, "joy." What I meant was something like, "oh great now I have to deal with her drunk." Then she had the nerve to ask, "do you drink yet?" I quickly replied, no! I'll have 8 months on Monday!" I couldn't believe her! Yeah, like I really want her to ask me to come out to the bar with her. But months ago, I do think I JOKED about how I was going to quit but then start back up for her wedding and all the pre-parties. But I was JOKING! I can't. I'm not going to be able to be her maid of honor and throw parties for her and refrain from drinking. I'm not that strong. I remember her saying something about going bar hopping or something to that extend for her bachelorette party. I CANNOT do that! I can't put myself in that situation. I can't be there for her without spiraling out even further.
Back to the IM, after this girl asked me this question, she continued to tell me about how she had dinner with people from work and how she got "sooooooooo fucked up!!" I just stopped responding. I had nothing to say to her. Then eventually she broke the silence by saying she had to go back to the bar to get her boyfriend. The away message is staying up. But, I might take it down more often in the late night hours. I miss the conversations
I held back talking to the guy too. There used to be nights when we'd spend all night talking on IM. But tonight I kept stopping myself from saying things. And other times I didn't know what to say. Despite that, I still enjoyed the time. IM is one thing, in person is completely different. With IM, I have the freedom to do my own thing: watch tv, listen to music, do things on the computer, chain smoke.. But in person, there's nervousness and I usually get antsy and spacey and just uncomfortable. I don't know how to be comfortable around people anymore.
I feel so uneasy right now. I want to run away and never look back. I want to hide under my covers and make the world disappear. I want to tear everything off my walls and knock them down. But I want to build the walls higher.. add barbed wire and a moat! I want to scream at the top of my lungs until I can't speak anymore. I want to scratch all my skin off. I want to burn this house down with everything and everyone inside it. I want to destroy. I want to escape. I want to NOT cry. I want to NOT feel.
5:44 a.m. - August 28, 2003
Recent entries:
There's No Place Like Home & Birthday Panic - September 25, 2003
I See Dumb People - August 28, 2003
8 Months Later - August 27, 2003
Christmas Eve - December 24, 2002
The next 140 Reasons Why I Drink!! - December 24, 2002
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