Well, it's been about 2 weeks since I've written here. Nothing much to say.. nothing much ever to say. Oh well.
I've been working at the restaurant on weekends again. I stopped working there the day before Easter. And now I'm back.
I fucked up tonight.. I got side tracked by 15 other tasks and forgot to write up a ticket for an order. Thankfully, the cook was able to get it all done quickly. I apologized about 20 times and cursed myself, hit my head a few times and sweated up a storm.
Basically since Easter, I've been comatose.. so to have to run around like crazy and the constant chaos of working in a restaurant.. I thought, on multiple occasions, that I would drop dead of a heart attack.. or at least pass out from the heat.
And my ears.. it will either be 2 or 3 years in December that my hearing has been fucked up. It's getting worse. So on top of trying to earn money to pay off the state, I'm trying to raise money so I can go to a cheap doctor to FINALLY get this looked at. I literally have to stand right on top of someone to hear them normally... and in a restaurant.. NOT GOOD! I can't hear people asking me questions or telling me to get something. I can't hear the bell in the back or the bell up front for that matter. I need to go to a doctor.. but I'm scared of what they'd say.
I stayed at my sister's house this week. She went on vacation or as she called it, a Love-Hab - instead of rehab. She is hoping to quit drinking and smoking. But she went away for the week with her boyfriend. So I stayed at her house and took care of her birds. It was nice to pretend to be her for a week. I didn't have to see my mom or my brother. My mom did call and kept me on the phone for 45 minutes on Wednesday or Thursday night.
Other than that, I had a daily obligation to go downstairs and visit with my grandmother. On Thursday, she told me about her childbirth with her 4 kids. My uncle, then my mom -she had her in this house. Then she told me about the "one who we don't speak about." After he was killed by my mom when she was 10, my grandfather had a dream that "Mary came down to him and told him not to worry, he'd have another son." So, then my grandmother continued to tell me that my grandfather raped her until she got pregnant. She even went as far to tell me that she had to save her pads to show him she was having her period so he'd leave her alone!! How fucked up is that?????? This was an INCREDIBLY SICK MAN!!! Beating and raping his wife and constantly beating his children, especially my mom for what she did to his second son. My grandma told me that she too hated my mom for that. But now, she's trying to make it up to her by supporting us - giving her an allowance to pay bills and for food. Sure, it's nice in theory.. but it's not helping my mom. She, my mom, is incapable of getting a job, because she's been living off of her mother for so long. God, this whole family thing makes me sick.
I bought a bottle of wine from work tonight. Merlot. It's been so long since I've had wine. I've been drinking beer for so long.. minus the 2 bottles of vodka that I drank since the 10th. I got all pissed off at myself while talking to my mom when I came home. I think I said something like, "I have to pay the state, go to the doctor and jump off a bridge." Then I said that I couldn't die because then the state would be charging and most likely suing my mom instead of me. So, I said that once I pay them off, THEN I can die. I slammed my door and my brother asked me what she said to make me upset. I told him it was me. and he said that we could go get me signed up for medicaid/medicare and maybe welfare. I DO NOT want to go on welfare!! That's just stupid! Yeah, I have some debilitating mental problems and physical ones too, but I'm not doing that.. I'm just not. I can't. I can't bring myself to do that. I'm 22, I should be capable enough to not need that. What scares me is that I think that might be the only option. But NOT NOW! I gotta do something. Sad thing is the way my mind works.. I'm the incapable one.
I really hate my mind. I hate feeling like everything is going wrong.. nothing can get better. I hate sinking in this fucking quicksand. I need a lobotomy! I really think I need medication. There is something seriously wrong with my brain.
9:18 p.m. - October 27, 2002
Recent entries:
There's No Place Like Home & Birthday Panic - September 25, 2003
I See Dumb People - August 28, 2003
8 Months Later - August 27, 2003
Christmas Eve - December 24, 2002
The next 140 Reasons Why I Drink!! - December 24, 2002
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others: