So.. everything has gone to Hell. That's this year... HELL!! No one to talk to, just drowning myself in alcohol...
My Ex came back online.. at least visible to me now. And since then, I've been monitoring his away messages. I've even IMed him a few times - highly drunk. It's his birthday on Sunday. He emailed me, I'm obligated to email him... the DICK!! As fed up with him as I am, I still think of him daily!! Bitch!... ME!!!!
I really hate myself when it comes to him! I fucking bought him a Christmas present again this year! It was under $2, but I had him in mind went I bought it. I hate this whole fucking thing! I've asked my sister and another person who they got over their Ex's. Time? Repression? It's been over 3 fucking years and I STILL think of him at LEAST once a day!!! I'm ready to slash my arms just because of that!!! I can't deal with the memory of him any more!!
I remember last Christmas. my mom commented on no one getting her anything, so I went upstairs, wrapped up a blank tape, slashed my arm, smeared my blood over the wrapping paper and wrote with a black sharpie, "Merry Christmas Mommy" and then split for over an hour walk in the dark. She told me a few months ago that she "saved the wrapping for my court hearing." How fucked is that? How fucked is it that I would do that??
A co-worker wished me a "Non-Bloody Christmas." That's pretty fucked on it's own! I told her my plans for Christmas were to drink myself into a coma.
It's 10:15pm and I have 13 beers in my fridge. Who knows how many more I plan to drink tonight, but I don't think it will be enough to last me through tomorrow. I think I need to go up the street to pick up more.
so, bye for now... and anyone who might read - reasons up to 300 previous entry- Merry Fucking Christmas!
10:04 p.m. - December 24, 2002
Recent entries:
There's No Place Like Home & Birthday Panic - September 25, 2003
I See Dumb People - August 28, 2003
8 Months Later - August 27, 2003
Christmas Eve - December 24, 2002
The next 140 Reasons Why I Drink!! - December 24, 2002
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