On Sunday, while drunk with my sister, she came up with a homework ASSignment. Write a list of why I drink. And I finally got to starting that list tonight. I finished for tonight at 160 reasons for why I drink. Then I remembered about this place. I forgot I had this journal. I've been too lazy to write in my real one, or this one for that matter. Anyway, I'm sure I'll add to this list soon, but for now..
I Drink:
1 - Because the voices in my head tell me to.
2 - To quite the voices in my head.
3 - To Forget.
4 - To escape.
5 - To stop the pain.
6 - To bring on more pain.
7 - To go numb.
8 - Because that's what I know.
9 - Just despite people.
10 - Because I'm mad.
11 - Because I'm angry.
12 - Because I'm sad.
13 - Because I'm happy
14 - Because I wish I could drink the world away.
15 - To get drunk.
16 - To get fucked up.
17 - To pass out.
18 - To not remember.
19 - To be someone else.
20 - To feel confident.
21 - To feel SOMETHING!!!
22 - To give myself strength.
23 - To show that I'm weak.
24 - Because I'm tired.
25 - Because I'm bored.
26 - Because in this whole world, I can't think of anything better to do!
27 - To wake up.
28 - So I can have the courage to leave the house.
29 - To have fun.
30 - To be fun.
31 - Because I was born to drink.
32 - "Because everyone else does."
33 - To be normal.
34 - To be sain.
35 - To try to escape the visions in my head.
36 - Because I shouldn't.
37 - Because I can.
38 - To pass the time.
39 - Because it's a holiday.
40 - Because it's an "anniversary."
41 - Because I can't stop.
42 - Because I don't want to stop.
43 - Because I know that if I stop, I'll just start again sooner or later.
44 - So I can laugh.
45 - So I can cry.
46 - To make cutting myself "seem" like I'm only doing it because I'm drunk.
47 - To be something other than me.
48 - Because there's no point.
49 - To find a point.
50 - To feel creative.
51 - Because I'm too stupid to stop.
52 - To forget what I've done.
53 - In order to do things I wish I didn't.
54 - Because I remember what I've done.
55 - Because I remember the things I've done when I was drunk.
56 - Because of Flashbacks.
57 - Because of my regrets.
58 - Because of the "never was"
59 - Because of the "what ifs"
60 - Because I hate myself.
61 - To deal with my family.
62 - To deal with people in general.
63 - To deal with all the shit in my head.
64 - To forget about the shit in my head.
65 - Because I remember how much of a bitch I've been.
66 - Because I remember what I threw away.
67 - Because I remember.
68 - Because I'm sick and tired.
69 - Because I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
70 - Because I can't get drugs.
71 - Because I have nothing else.
72 - Because I'm lonely.
73 - Because I hate my own company and wish I wasn't alone.
74 - Because I hate being alone.
75 - Because I feel sorry for myself.
76 - When I wish I was dead.
77 - Because I'm too much of a coward to kill myself.
78 - Because I'm too much of a coward to do ANYTHING but drink.
79 - Because I'm scared.
80 - Because I'm scared of getting "better."
81 - To keep myself miserable.
82 - To make myself miserable.
83 - Because I hate my body.
84 - Because I'm a failure.
85 - Because I couldn't "cut it" in college.
86 - Because I'm stupid.
87 - Because I could've been done with college in May of 2002.
88 - Because I went to the trailer.
89 - Because of what happened at graduation.
90 - Because I can't remember.
91 - Because what I DO remember I wish I could forget.
92 - Because I hate my brain.
93 - Because I want to kill MORE brain cells.
94 - Because I'm a loser.
95 - Because I can't do anything right.
96 - Because of any one of the 5 millions triggers.
97 - When I feel I just can't go on.
98 - When I want to slam my head against the wall.
99 - When I want to slit my wrists.
100 - When I want to bleed.
101 - Because I just don't know.
102 - Because I'm not a "better person."
103 - Because I'm a masochist.
104 - Because I'm sick of the 900 things wrong with me.
105 - Because I think I might need prescribed medication.
106 - To self-medicate.
107 - To distract myself.
108 - To loose time.
109 - Because I'm afraid of change.
110 - Because I'm afraid TO change.
111 - Because I don't know who I am when I'm sober.
112 - To find out who I am when I'm drunk.
113 - Because I'm not someone else.
114 - Because I'm me.
115 - Because I REALLY hate who I see that I am.
116 - Because I haven't changed in the last 3 years.
117 - Because I'm still hung up on my ex.
118 - Because I can't go one fucking day without thinking about him at least once!
119 - Because I hate being sad.
120 - Because I've been depressed for at least half my life.
121 - Because I've been physically hurting myself since I was 11.
122 - Because I can't remember what happened to fuck me up.
123 - Because I can't remember my childhood.
124 - Because my sister is convinced something "happened" to me.
125 - Because I never had a father.
126 - Because my mom is insane.
127 - Because my brother's a junkie.
128 - Because my sister is an alcoholic.
129 - Because I'm not artistically talented like my sister.
130 - Because I belong to this family.
131 - Because of the deaths in my life.
132 - Because I pushed everyone away.
133 - Because those who I didn't push away, just left.
134 - Because I can't hold on to anyone.
135 - Because I have no friends.
136 - Because I can't trust anyone.
137 - Because TV is my only friend.
138 - Because I'm a fucking couch potato.
139 - Because other than self hatred ramblings, TV is the only thing I have to talk about.
140 - Because I live in this house.
141 - Because my mom killed her brother in my room.
142 - Because I've been stuck in the same mental state for the last 3 years.
143 - Because I don't know how to get better.
144 - Because I only know myself as the "crazy, fucked up one."
145 - Because I have no life.
146 - Because I'm a recluse.
147 - Because I think people would be better off not being around me.
148 - Because I'm over $6,000 in debt.
149 - Because New York State wants to sue me.
150 - To forget my money problems.
151 - Because after paying NYS - alcohol and cigarettes are the only things I can afford.
152 - Because I hate being jealous of other people.
153 - Because I hate being envious of things I don't have.
154 - Because I hate wanting things I can't have.
155 - Because I hate wanting.
156 - When it's my birthday.
157 - When it's HIS birthday.
158 - When I can't deal with anything.
159 - When I'm trying not to cut.
160 - When I'm trying not to think.
4:26 a.m. - December 07, 2002
Recent entries:
There's No Place Like Home & Birthday Panic - September 25, 2003
I See Dumb People - August 28, 2003
8 Months Later - August 27, 2003
Christmas Eve - December 24, 2002
The next 140 Reasons Why I Drink!! - December 24, 2002
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