Ok, so now there's more unnecessary drama. When I got home from work on Sunday, my brother informed me, "there's cold cuts in the fridge and we have a year to get out of the house." I've lived in this house all of my life. Minus the short time I went away to college and the time I was semi living with my ex boyfriend. My grandfather built this house, my mom was born IN this house, she also killed her brother in this house, but she raised her family in this house too. My mom was going to get this house in my grandmother's will. Now, my grandmother will be selling this house and the house behind mine. Apparently the 2 properties cannot be sold separately. So, according to my brother, we have one year left here. But according to my sister, she thinks this will happen within the next 5-10 years.
Now, this might not be that bad, but considering we HAVE NO MONEY, therein lies the problem. My mother, who will be 59 next month, still gets a monthly allowance from her 80+ year old mother. We live in this house free of charge. My mom gets money from her mom to pay for the bills: electric, heat, cable, phone, car insurance.. My mom hasn't had a job since about 1996. She got pneumonia and almost died. Hasn't felt up to working since. My 31 year old brother still lives at home. Earlier this year he got a job with the taxi company. His girlfriend has been basically living with us this whole year. They're saving up for a place of their own. Then there's me. I work part time at a restaurant. I've been working 5 days a week at an average of 20 hours. Sure, that doesn't seem like much, but when I'm there I'm running around like crazy and it wears me out. Believe me, I've thought about getting a second job. By the end of the month, after making payments on my student loans and such and of course my cigarettes, there's nowhere near enough money for rent. So, when we do get kicked out and my brother and his girlfriend get a place, that leaves my mother and I to find a place of our own. I've thought about getting a place of my own, but I don't think my mom should be left by herself. Hell I don't think I should be left by MYSELF.
So, that means my mom and I are going to have to find a place to live. The town we live in now is too expensive. Hell, we probably couldn't even afford this county. I don't know where we'd go. My sister told me that my grandmother would give us enough rent to stay in town, but I don't know how serious that is. I do think she'd keep giving my mom her allowance for the monthly bills, but I don't think it will be enough for rent too. I certainly don't make enough to support my mother and myself. I don't have any skills to get a good job or the money to go back to school. So, I stay at the restaurant. That is what I know. I'm great at that. I'll miss that job if we do have to move far away. I don't have any friends anymore, so I have no one here that I'd miss. I would miss my sister and my job and the water and this house.
We always said that since my mother was born in this house, she will die in this house. Maybe that will happen before this all happens. So, maybe I will be left to fend for myself. My shit's too fucked up for me to feel competent with being on my own. We just have so much shit in this house. My family has been back here in this house for 30 years. And considering we are all pack rats.. that's a LOT of shit! We're going to try to have some garage sales, but there's a LOT of stuff I have sentimental attachment too. I wish I didn't. I wish I could just pack a bag with some clothes and take off, but I can't. Since I have no life & no friends, I hold onto my possessions. The comforts of my room make each day a little bearable. I can't imagine parting with any of it. God, I have so much shit to go through.
Both mine and my mom's birthdays are next month. Then Christmas isn't too far away. It's going to be another sad one in this house.. especially if we're thinking it's the last one in this house. I remember one year we got IOUs for Christmas. Never fulfilled. Another year we got things from the Marlboro Miles catalog where you buy things with the Marlboro Miles on the sides of cigarette packs. I'm not trying to say that I'm hung up on presents, I'm just saying overall those were miserable years. Oh there was also the year that I threatened to burn the house down if anyone brought in a Christmas tree. Or the year that my mom commented on how no one really got her anything, so I wrapped up a video tape, sliced up my arm, rubbed my blood on the wrapping and wrote, "Merry Christmas Mommy" on it with black marker. Those were fun years. In other words, holidays SUCK around here. Birthdays too. They just remind me how empty my life is. I'm really dreading this one. My birthday falls on a Friday night. I work Friday nights and at work for birthdays, the people get you a cake and all sign a card. I really don't want that. It seems so fake. I want to get off on my birthday, but if I don't go to work that night, I'd just be sitting at home alone in my room. I can't decide which would be less depressing. At least at work, I'd be keeping busy but dreading the whole end of the night birthday thing. At home, I'd just be dwelling in self pity. Plus, to make me even more pathetic, my learner's permit will be expired. Yup, I'll be 23 and have an expired learner's permit. Sure, I could just get it renewed or actually finally try to get my license or just get a non-driver's ID. But, 1) I'm in no rush to drive 2) I'll have to go down to the office and 3) I'm NOT having my picture taken for something that other people will have to see!! I don't want to have documentation of what I've become. But it also sucks because there's this concert that I actually thought of going to at this club, but it's 21 & over and obviously you need ID. Mine will be expired by that time. So there goes that idea of a chance at fun. Also, there's just the idea of being another year older and having wasted another year.
This has been like the year of the sober sloth. All I've done was taken out the alcohol. Nothing else has changed. My mind is still fucked up, I still have no motivation to do anything, and I'm still feeling alone. I have no one to talk to and when I do talk to people, I feel like I have to hold back so I don't go rambling on in depressed mode like I tend to do. No one wants to hear this shit. I don't want to hear this shit. I just need to get it out of my head. I need it out. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep when my brain won't turn off and I think about all the things that I've done that I wish I didn't and even things I have no control over. I take things too personally and I hold things in. I'm ready to fucking explode. And now with this thing with the house.. I am thankful for having this house and my job and all the things I've filled my room with.
I miss having someone to share things with. I miss long talks and even small talk. I miss having something other than depressing stuff or tv/movie info to talk about. Sure, if we do end up moving away, it could be a chance to start over. But it could also be the thing that drives me over the edge. I just need to get out of my head. I hate feeling like this.
5:48 a.m. - September 25, 2003
Recent entries:
There's No Place Like Home & Birthday Panic - September 25, 2003
I See Dumb People - August 28, 2003
8 Months Later - August 27, 2003
Christmas Eve - December 24, 2002
The next 140 Reasons Why I Drink!! - December 24, 2002
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